


You Never Meant A Word Of It

by xhorizen



Category: Hanson (Band)
Genre: Angst, Brother/Brother Incest, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-08
Updated: 2019-01-08
Packaged: 2019-10-06 10:19:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17343518
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xhorizen/pseuds/xhorizen
Summary: Five words changed Zac’s life when he was just 17 years old. “I don’t want you anymore.”





	You Never Meant A Word Of It

**Author's Note:**

  * For [TragicLove](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TragicLove/gifts).



> TragicLove and I prompted each other with the following quote from the book "How To Kill A Rockstar"... And I would like it to be noted that this didn't turn out how I intended for it to. It just... Happened. 
> 
>  
> 
> _"I’m surprised by the heat of my anger toward Jack. I want to yank him out of the bar by the sleeve of his cool leather jacket and tell him: Be happy, you stupid, stupid man. And let me be too." ___

Five words changed Zac’s life when he was just 17 years old. “I don’t want you anymore.” When he heard them, he thought it was a lame attempt at a joke, or maybe even Taylor just being overly dramatic, as was his tendency, but when he looked into his brother’s eyes and saw the seriousness in them, he felt like crying.

“What do you mean?” He hated how his voice trembled, the last thing he wanted to do was look weak in front of Taylor, but the idea of losing the relationship he had with his brother made him want to die.

“I mean what I said. I don’t want you anymore. This was fun while it lasted, Zac, but you had to know it wasn’t a long term thing.” Taylor’s eyes fell to the ground and Zac felt like reaching out and punching him in the stomach.

“You said you loved me.” He whispered, tears clouding his vision as his breathing sped up and his stomach churned.

“I thought I loved you, Zac, but I guess I didn’t really know what love was.” Taylor looked up at him and Zac saw the pain in his eyes. He was lying.

“I don’t believe you.” He reached out and tried to take his hand, but Taylor jerked away from him, putting enough space between them that Zac couldn’t touch him without taking a few steps forward.

“I don’t care what you believe, Zac, because I’m telling you the truth.” He turned around and took a few steps toward the door before glancing over his shoulder. “Natalie’s pregnant.” Tears streamed down Zac’s face as he opened and closed his mouth, trying to figure out what to say.

“I hate you.” He settled on the only thing he thought would actually hurt Taylor, but still it didn’t feel like enough.

“I know.” Taylor sighed softly and slumped his shoulders. He took a deep breath before turning back to the front door and exiting as silently as possible, leaving Zac to cry alone.

\--

Three words changed Zac’s life when he was 20 years old. “We’re getting divorced.” It took everything in him not to roll his eyes and say something rude to Taylor, but he managed to keep his anger in check.

“Good for you.” Taylor crossed the room and placed a hand on Zac’s shoulder, but Zac didn’t turn around, not wanting to give him the satisfaction.

“Will you please look at me?” He shook his head and crossed his arms over his chest, shrugging Taylor’s hand off of him.

“What the fuck do you want, Taylor? Outside of the band, we’ve spoken a handful of words to each other in the past three years. Why do you think this is going to change anything?” He heard Taylor sigh behind him and almost felt bad, but then he remembered the pain he had gone through because of his brother and instantly felt his emotions harden.

“It changes everything, Zac, you know that.”

“NO!” Zac whirled around and dropped his arms to his sides, fists clenching. “That’s where you’re wrong, Taylor! This doesn’t change anything! You still used me and threw me away like yesterday’s garbage! You don’t get to tell me that it changes anything when you’re the reason everything changed in the first place, you asshole!” Tears filled Taylor’s eyes and Zac had to avert his gaze over his shoulder so he wouldn’t feel so bad about the words he spoke.

“You know why I did those things, Zac, you have to know by now that I didn’t do it because I wanted to!” Zac bit his bottom lip hard enough to draw blood before speaking.

“You were an adult then, Taylor, and you’re an adult now. Everything you do is your own free will. Stop acting like you had no choice!”

“I DIDN’T!” Taylor’s denial exploded out of him and Zac jumped back a little, surprised at the intensity behind his words. “I didn’t have a choice then, and you know that, Zac, you know how mom and dad are!” As much as he didn’t want to admit it, Zac did know how his parents were, but he wasn’t going to give in to anything that Taylor had to say. Not when he wasn’t the wronged party.

“I don’t care, Taylor, I don’t care now and I won’t care ever. Now please get the fuck out of my house.” Zac lifted his arm and pointed to the front door his brother had come through only a few minutes before.

“Zac, please.” Taylor took a step forward and placed both of his hands on Zac’s chest. “Please, don’t do this.” Zac’s temper flared at Taylor’s nonchalant response. How dare he act like he had any right to talk about them as though he wasn’t the one who called things off in the first place?

“You don’t get the right to ask me to do anything for you, Taylor. Now get the fuck out.” Zac shoved his hands off of him and fled into his room, knowing if he stuck around any longer, he would give into Taylor and be right back under his spell. He climbed into his bed and prayed for his brother to leave. When the front door slammed, he finally let out the breath he was holding and let the tears come.

\--

Four words changed Zac’s life when he was 23 years old. “Will you marry me?” Zac had been dating Connor for two years, and while they’d never spoken about marriage before, Zac assumed that they would probably be heading in that direction at some point. The idea scared him, not because marriage scared him, but because he really still wasn’t out to his family. He tried to give them some credit, he had been bringing Connor around to family birthdays and holidays ever since they had been together for six months, but sometimes, his parents could be obtuse.

Or just in denial. Whatever.

Zac had asked for a few days to himself to think about everything, packed a bag, and went to his parents’ house. They were a little shocked when he asked to stay a while, but Diana wrapped her arms around his shoulders and gave him a hug.

“Of course you’re welcome here, sweetheart, this will always be your home!” And with that, he made his way to the guest room and tried to think.

Tried being the keyword.

Zac had all but forgotten that Taylor still lived with their parents. After he and Natalie got a divorce, Natalie kept the house and instead of finding his own place to have a bachelor pad, Taylor just reclaimed his childhood bedroom in his parents’ home. The band had taken something of a hiatus when the divorce went public, and as such, Zac barely spent any time with either of his older brothers. Isaac was off in his own world with a fiancé and a wedding to plan and while they met for dinner on a couple of occasions, he was far too busy to commit to much more.

Taylor, on the other hand, did nothing, and Zac’s only excuse for not seeing him was simply that he was 100% avoiding him, no matter the cost. The fight they’d had was the last time they’d truly spoken anything of significance to each other. At family parties, they just grunted and gave the bare minimum of greetings, enough to make it look as though they were siblings who got along just fine. The first party Connor had gone to was actually Zac’s 21st birthday party, and when they’d left, Connor asked him why he and Taylor were so cold to each other. He shrugged it off as just not being close, but in reality, it took everything in him not to cry and tell his boyfriend the entire fucked up story.

“What, did you break up with your boyfriend?” Zac jolted into a sitting position on the guest room bed and looked at the door frame. Taylor stood there, leaning against the wood, a smirk playing on his lips.

“Shut the fuck up!” Zac glared at his older brother and tried with all his might to kill him with a glare, but when he stayed upright, he just sighed and slumped back against his bed. “He asked me to marry him, actually.”

“Oh shit.” Taylor took an uninvited step into the room and closed the bedroom door behind him. Making his way to the bed, he sat down at the foot of it and drew his legs up underneath of him, making himself far more comfortable than Zac was happy with. “So you said no?” Zac rolled his eyes and shook his head.

“No, I didn’t give him an answer. I told him I needed a few days to think about it.” Taylor snorted.

“Okay, so you said no without saying no. How original. Why didn’t you just break his heart in one go?” Zac sat up again and felt his face turn hot.

“Why are you such an asshole? I’m not saying no to him, I just need time to think things through, specifically how to tell our parents that one, I’m gay, and two, my boyfriend is the roommate I’ve been bringing to family functions for the past two years!”

“Okay, so you’re gonna say yes?” Taylor ignored every other word out of Zac’s mouth and it made Zac want to strangle him.

“GET OUT!” He stood up from his bed and pointed at the door with one hand and put the other on his hip. “Just because you live here doesn’t mean we have to interact. It’s been great not talking to you for the past few years, let’s not stop now.” Taylor got up from the bed, but he held a look in his eye that made Zac uneasy. Instead of walking to the door, he approached Zac, stopping only when they were practically pressed chest to chest.

“I’ve missed you.” Taylor’s voice came out a lot lower than Zac had expected and it caused his stomach to jump.

“Fuck you.” He whispered, letting his arm drop to his side, though he didn’t move another inch.

“You’d like that, huh?” Taylor leaned in and pressed his lips to his ear, breathing heavily as he spoke. “You remember how we used to touch each other in this bed?” Zac felt his eyes close against his better judgement and he let out a small groan, biting his bottom lip to try to keep it under control. “Remember the first time I gave you a blow job? How hot and needy you were? Do you miss that?”

Zac’s stomach was jumping like mad and he felt like he was going to throw up. He hated how, after all that time, Taylor could still get him worked up with next to no effort, and he hated him for it. He wanted so badly to give in, to admit that yes, he missed it more than anything, but then he remembered the nights he spent crying himself to sleep for years, and he couldn’t deal with reliving that pain. He opened his eyes and placed a hand on Taylor’s chest, pushing him away from him gently, but firmly.

“Stop acting like you know me anymore, Taylor. You lost that right years ago.” He went to the bedroom door and opened it, but looked back before stepping outside. “Don’t talk to me while I’m here. I shouldn’t be more than a day or two.”

Two days later, Zac went to the apartment he shared with his boyfriend and broke up with him, trying hard to deny to himself that Taylor had anything to do with his decision.

\--

Two words changed Zac’s life when he was 26 years old. “He’s gone.” The words were muffled and spoken over a spotty cell phone connection, but he knew instantly who his mother was talking about. Tears streamed down his face as he hung up with her and instantly started looking at airline prices, knowing he needed to get to Tulsa as soon as possible. Luckily, flights from Miami to Tulsa weren’t the most uncommon thing, and he was able to book a flight taking off the next morning. He didn’t even think about the $800 he dropped on a last minute flight, his family needed him more than he needed the money anyway.

When he touched down in Tulsa, it felt like the worst case of déjà vu he’d ever had. The last time he’d been to the airport was three days after breaking up with Connor, only a backpack and a stuffed duffle bag of clothes to his name. He chose to go to Miami because it was the cheapest flight leaving the soonest, and he needed to get the hell out of Oklahoma more than he needed to breathe. He hadn’t been back to his home state in three years, choosing instead to make stupid excuses about work when his mother bugged him to come back for the holiday’s or even just to visit.

He only had a small carry on with him, intent on staying with as little time as he could get away with, and made his way to the passenger pick up. He didn’t even know who was picking him up, he’d just texted his mother his arrival time, and she had promised someone would be there for him. Isaac was the likely guess, though maybe Jessica since Isaac had a couple of kids to worry about, on top of funeral arrangements.

A white SUV pulled up in front of Zac and it took him a second to recognize the person behind the wheel. Taylor had let his facial hair grow out, a full beard taking over his face, and his hair was longer than Zac had remembered seeing it since they were teenagers. He just stood on the sidewalk staring for a solid 10 seconds before his brother got out of the car and grabbed his bag out of his hand.

“Is this all you have?” Zac nodded silently, watching Taylor as he threw his bag in the backseat and opened the front passenger door for him. “Mom is waiting for us.” The words kicked Zac out of his daze and he got into the car, buckling the seat belt before Taylor took off.

The ride back to the house was awkward. They hadn’t talked to each other in so long that Zac felt like he was sitting next to a stranger. He tried to think of things to say, maybe share some anecdotes about his time in Florida, but everything that came to his mind sounded stupid considering their father had just died. Finally they pulled up to the house and Zac let out a sigh of relief – Nothing could be more awkward than that car ride had just been. He made his way inside and let himself be swallowed up in the arms of his mother as she tried to be strong. Tears pricked his eyes as she started talking about how he died in his sleep, a brain aneurysm, and he couldn’t believe he hadn’t seen his father in years. He had let a fight keep him away from his father, whom he’d never see again, and he knew he would never be able to forgive himself for that.

The rest of the day was spent sitting on the couch in the living room, going over details for the next few days. He kept it together as best as he could, his sisters and mother were barely able to stop crying, and he knew he needed to be strong for them. He caught Taylor sniffing and wiping at his eyes a few times, and wanted to do something to make him feel better, but then thought better of it. They’d stopped talking for a reason, and he wasn’t going to make a terrible situation even worse by trying to talk to his brother. 

The guest bedroom was set up the same as it had been the last time he had stayed and he felt like he was in a time warp. As he lay down to go to sleep, he finally let his guard down enough to cry, mourning for the father he knew, and the father he hadn’t gotten to see in so long. He tossed and turned for hours, crying on and off as he thought about his father and the things they used to do when Zac was a kid. He couldn’t even comprehend that he would never get to see him again. 

The bedroom door opened and Zac sat up, squinting in the dark. He could only make out the shadow of a person in the dark, but he knew who it was. “You shouldn’t be in here, go back to your bed.” The figure approached his bed and lifted the covers, climbing in despite Zac’s protests. 

“Tell me you don’t want me here.” Taylor wrapped an arm around Zac’s waist and pulled him close, whispering into his ear. Zac shivered and closed his eyes, begging for the strength to turn him away. Taylor moved his hand down and played with the hem of his shirt before slipping his hand underneath of it, running it over his stomach. “Tell me to leave again and I’ll go.” 

Instead of speaking, Zac turned around in his arms and pressed their lips together – The pain was too much to bear alone. 

\--

Six words changed Zac’s life on his 27th birthday. “I’m so in love with you.” He was shocked to hear the words, more so because they were coming from Taylor. Who was standing on his porch. In Miami. 

He took a step back and ushered Taylor into his apartment, closing and locking the door behind him. He turned around and watched as his brother looked around the living room awkwardly, clearly unsure if he was invited to sit down. Zac couldn’t help but roll his eyes at the ridiculous leather jacket he was wearing – October in Florida wasn’t excruciatingly hot, but the weather definitely didn’t call for a leather jacket. 

“What are you doing here?” He knew he was being an asshole by not acknowledging the words that Taylor greeted him with, but he was still trying to come to terms with the fact that his brother had flown out to see him, not even 24 hours after Zac himself had gotten home from their father’s funeral in Tulsa. 

“I tried to tell you before you left, but everything I wanted to say sounded so stupid in my head and then I just chickened out, and then well, the funeral, and it seemed really crass to do it then.” Taylor looked down at his hands that were clasped in front of him and took a deep breath. “I hate that it took dad dying to make me finally speak up, but Zac…” He trailed off and walked to Zac, taking his hands and squeezing them tight. “Life is so short. And I don’t think I could live with myself if something were to happen to you and I never got to see you or talk to you again.” 

Zac fully expected rage and hatred and anger to well up inside of him, where was this Taylor 10 years ago? Why wasn’t he so willing to fight for them back when they were actually together? But then he looked into his brother’s eyes and saw the remorse and the pain and the sadness and the only emotion he could feel was relief. 

“I know.” He whispered, looking down at their joined hands. “When mom called, all she said at first was ‘he’s gone’ and god, Taylor,” He looked up into Taylor’s eyes as tears filled his own. “I thought she was talking about you and I almost died. I can’t imagine a world without you in it.” He took a deep breath, trying to quell the lump in his throat. 

“I’m sorry for all these years.” Taylor’s voice was hoarse as he tried to keep his own tears at bay. Zac bit his lower lip and looked back down at their hands, unable to say what he wanted to say if he was looking at him.

“You don’t know how much I’ve wanted to hear you say those words over the years and actually mean it. You broke me, Taylor, you broke me, and all I ever wanted for you was to be happy.” Zac took one of his hands and tugged on the cuff of Taylor’s leather jacket, smiling in spite of himself. “So be happy, Taylor, and let me be too.” 

Taylor reached out and tugged on Zac’s chin, forcing him to meet his gaze. “I don’t know if I know how to be happy without you. I’ve tried for years, and I’ve never been able to figure it out.” 

“Then we can figure it out together.” Zac stopped holding back, stopped listening to all of the voices in his head telling him no, and surged forward, kissing Taylor like it was the first time all over again.


End file.
